it's heartwrenching

This whole ordeal, is gut-churning. Being seperated from my husband, trying to balance time with the kids...its sooo hard on them. There is a huge part of my heart that wants to put their world back together, to slap a big band-aid on it and call it good and try to grin and bare it.
Then there is the little part in my heart, that belongs to myself...that feels that I can't allow them to grow up with things in shambles the way they've been at home.

I feel sick, I feel torn, I feel plain awful.

Maybe a good nights sleep will help.

another bitching post

Now that I live with my 17 yr old sister, mother nature has decided that our periods should be on the same cycle. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR which means im almost 2 weeks early


ewww

Why have one??

My mom has a cell phone...I know amazing. This from the lady who doesnt know how to turn on a computer!
There's only one small prolem SHE NEVER ANSWERS IT!!!!!!!

NEW BEGINNINGS

What a morning. It's a new dawn, it's a new day....and we are all on the move!!

Jayden started KINDERGARTEN this morning!!!! He gets to ride the bus and he was super excited!!!!! I cannot believe my little Jayden, is this big already!


After he left it was Jarret's turn. Jer is alot more shy, hesitant. So, I don't have the beaming pics of his first day of preschool..but I did manage to get this

He did great, he didn't want me to leave, but he got so busy playing I was able to sneak out!!

If that wasn't enough for the day...MAMA is headed to the gym!!!!!!

xoxox
h

eww

If im being brutally honest..and why the fuck not...some days plain suck.

I'm cranky, emotional, exhausted, onry..and I want to be left alone!!! I want to run to a far away beach and drown my sorrows in a big bottle of something!!

As a parent you are taught, by society, that you can't be honest in your feelings about kids...that you can never, ever cast having kids in a negative light, or else you look like a mean, ungreatful, unloving, troll.

I do love my kids...HOWEVER...any parent would tell you that days like to today, you envy your kidless friends. They would be free to wollow in despair. They could curl up in bed with their iPod, close the blinds and leave the rainy, dreary world outside..to deal with itself like it should.

But you can't do that when grandma is busy makeing jam and there's dishes, diapers, drinks, and messes to handle.
Mom is never, ever, EVER allowed to have 5 minutes to hate the world.

Why I'd rather poke myself in the eye with spoon repeatedly..

I don't do mornings. I HATE mornings. There is nothing good about them. Ok, ok.maybe being woken up by Jake Gyllenhaal, just MIGHT make it barable..but that's not whats happening here. (click on Jake's name to see what I mean)

I left my husband 5 weeks ago. I needed space, time, away from all the madness. However, it left me only one place to go...HOME. Most people, probably understand that moving back in with mom and dad at 26, is like self induced torture.

Not only do we not agree on religion, they're Mormons, I'M NOT. We don't agree on politics, they're Republicans, I'M NOT. They think coffee is as bad for you as heroin, I THINK IT'S MORE ADDICTING AND I LOVE IT! They're insanely OCD and obsessed with constantly working. They've done more by 9am than I usually do all day. I know this isn't a good reflection of my lazy ass..but still.

I kid you not, I woke up this morning and said "mom, I'm really not feeling good I have um..the runs" she didnt skip a beat and said "I'm sorry, will you do up the dishes while I make breakfast??"

I'll admit I got snippy his morning and said " do you EVER have a day where you aren't busy all day? Don't you EVER relax??" she didn't even have an answer.

So Happy Labor Day to you all..while you're enjoyin bbq's and beer, I'll be making jam, doing yardwork in the damn rain, and tryin to act grateful for the place to live